How does the beginning of this story sound?
“I can’t decide if Alexa Miller is a dyke or just a slut.” Gabriella Torres lets out a barking laugh, a quick explosion. I know it’s her before I turn around.
“I know right, she’s so weird!” Hannah Evans replies in her perfected, dumb-blond bimbo voice. “She dresses like a guy.”
I grip the lunch tray so tightly my knuckles bulge out. I’m wearing a soccer tournament sweatshirt and navy-blue sweatpants. She’s wearing a bubble-gum pink Hollister shirt pulled down way too far, as if people don’t know she’s doing it for blatant attention. And from the back, it looks like her butt got hungry and ate her short-shorts. So I’m the weird one here?
Calmly, I strut over to their lunch table. Their thin frames are shaking uncontrollably with laughter, and Gabriella slaps the table and howls like an ape.
“What was that?” I inquire sweetly.
Gabriella and Hannah whirl around, their eyes the size of baseballs. I grin. Caught you, jerks. They gaped at me, eyes blank, jaws hanging open like Ferby owls.
“Oh, so you can talk crap behind my back,” I chortle. “But you don’t have the balls to say it to my face?”
*gape
Filed Under Pink Soccer Ball | 3 Comments
Tagged With baseballs, bubble gum, bulge, dyke, hannah evans, hollister, jaws, jerks, knuckles, laughter, lunch table, lunch tray, navy blue, owls, short shorts, soccer tournament, sweatshirt, uncontrollably, weird one, whirl
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3 Responses to “How does the beginning of this story sound?”
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You lost me after the first line.
EDIT: I read the rest of your story. I’m sorry, and I don’t like saying this, but No. The writing is just…bad.
". I’m wearing a soccer tournament sweatshirt and navy-blue sweatpants. She’s wearing a bubble-gum pink Hollister shirt pulled down way too far, as if people don’t know she’s doing it for blatant attention. "
Not only is the so brutally cliche that I want to rip my hair out, but it sounds more like an informal blog post than an actual novel.
this seems like it wouldnt be a beginning to a story but it is still good.
Sluts, apes and dykes.
Lovely